One morning recently, blearily-eyed I poured a bowl of crunchy cereal and, eschewing the mainstream lactic complement, reached for a tub of its fermented brethren, and spooned dollops of yoghurt atop the tasty clusters of oats, nuts, raisins and honey. As I did so, Rihanna's S&M blared out on Radio 1, and as the words from Rihanna's lilting voice (I'm pretty sure that description is an indication of latent racism) hit my ears, I came to the epiphany that I was in an S&M relationship too. I was the masochist, suffering the indignity of shovelling yoghurt on to my cereal in the manner that the sadistic manufacturers were forcing me to. Now, I've made this story up because (a) Radio 1 are playing the clean version of S&M, "Come On" and (b) I don't listen to Radio 1 and the last thing I'd want to do in the morning is listen to an abhorrent lardbucket spewing forth bile. However, if we can stay with the analogy for a bit, someone mentioned the safety word(s), and that "someone" is Danone and those safety words are Pouring Yoghurt.
Kindly assisting Danone in spreading the word is Jamie Theakston, who originally found fame in the 90s playing second fiddle to ladette-types, first alongside Jayne Middlemiss on The O-Zone, on which I am sure he grilled pop stars on the tough questions like how Mark Morrison could be singing about The Return of the Mack, when we had not bloody heard of him before (any interview answers from Mark Morrison should always be taken with a pinch of salt given that he is likely to have sent along a lookalike instead). Theakston followed this up hosting Live & Kicking alongside Zoë Ball, in which the home and studio audience would ask the tough questions such as "Who is your favourite singer, and why?", "Who is your biggest influence, and why?" and "Could I have your autograph, please?"
Now Theakston is best known for hosting the breakfast show on capital radio station Heart 106.2. I use the term 'known' lightly, given that many a youngster would see this Danone advert and simply assume he's a jobbing actor. Perhaps with a little more discipline in his career, Theakston could have maintained a higher televisual profile, but then maybe whoring himself out to Danone is his best chance yet to whip his profile back into shape and drag it back up from its radio dungeon hell?
So what of Pouring Yoghurt? I mean, who doesn't like pouring? And who doesn't like yoghurt? So, match made in dairy heaven, right? Well, maybe I like the misery in dolloping yoghurt into a bowl with a spoon. Forget misery, there's actually a strangely satisfying joy to it, something you don't get with milk. So if I want to pour onto my cereal, I'll use milk, and if I want yoghurt on my cereal, I'll spoon it on BECAUSE I'M NOT A LAZY FUCKWIT WHO CAN'T TAKE A FEW MORE SECONDS TO PUT A FEW SPOONFULS ON MY CEREAL AND OH YOU MIGHT BE THINKING BUT THEN YOU HAVE A SPOON TO WASH UP LATER ON WELL IF YOU ARE THEN YOU ARE AN IDIOT BECAUSE YOU NEED THAT SPOON TO EAT THE THING WITH ANYWAY AND GUESS WHAT YOU CAN EVEN POUR FROM A NORMAL YOGHURT POT THROUGH THE MAGICAL METHOD OF TIPPING THE POT SO TO CLAIM THIS IS A "WHOLE NEW BREAKFAST EXPERIENCE" IS A STRETCH TO SAY THE LEAST BUT TO BE HONEST I AM NOT TOO ANGRY ABOUT THIS MY CAPS LOCK KEY JUST GOT STUCK DOWN. Well it didn't really, but let's just pretend it did.
You do get three flavour choices - natural, vanilla and strawberry - which kind of suggests that there is something wholly unnatural about the vanilla and strawberry flavours, but I guess there's nothing sexy about selling a product as 'plain' or 'unflavoured'. If you're about to suggest vanilla is plain and unflavoured, you're a jerk because vanilla is awesome.
Jamie Theakston: 4/10
Danone Activia Pouring Yoghurt: 5/10
Total: 9/20
