Peter Crouch, professional gangly robot dancer and sometime footballer, once said that if he weren't a footballer, he'd be a virgin. He's probably right - I don't believe that guys who do the robot get laid all too often. I expect though that the day that a robot is created that can successfully dance the 'human' is the day that we, as a species, have to accept our new subservient future. In fact, it may have already happened, and these androids have flooded our dancefloors. Be afraid, be very afraid!
Anyway, I apologise, this blog is meant to be about celebrities and the food they endorse, and, as such, this kind of conspiracy theorising would only be apt if someone like Jim Corr were to endorse some food (Jim Corr's New World Hors D'Oeuvres?)
So, back to Crouchy. At the 2006 World Cup, Crouch was dating quintessential WAG Abigail Clancy, before he dumped her by fax, which puts him in the exalted company of Phil Collins (however much Phil tries to deny it). Clancy went on to date Jason Statham for a bit, which does not work in Crouchy's favour here, as no-one compares to the Stath (Jase, if you plan to endorse any food - Oxo Lock, Stock cubes perhaps - you can be sure to get full marks from me). However, not only are Crouch and Clancy back together, they are engaged, ensuring that Clancy will finally be able to progress from the G-faction to the W-faction.
Abbey was once in a pop group called The Genie Queen, managed by Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark singer/bassist Andy McCluskey (Andy, you could also expect to get full marks from me - Granola Gay bars?) We are only left to assume that it was due to having such a shit name for a pop group that they never had an ounce of the success of McCluskey's previous pet project, Atomic Kitten (actually, scratch what I said before, Andy, I'd find it hard to stomach giving the man who gave the world Kerry Katona much more than half marks).
While it's hard to argue against Crouch's superb games-per-goal ratio of 1.85 for England, it's undoubtedly his goal-celebrating antics that led him to front the Pringles attempt to get a piece of the World Cup pie, as evidenced in this advert (with Anelka, Kuyt and Fabregas presumably thrown in to appeal to the international market)....
Furthermore, the Original and Salt & Vinegar flavour tubes both reference Crouch's robot. The Texas BBQ Sauce tube features Crouch holding a corner flag kebab skewer of red onion, tomato, pepper and Pringles (I hope this is not a serving suggestion - I'm not sure actually barbecuing Pringles is the best idea), while the Sour Cream & Onion tube has Crouch kicking into a Sour Cream dip while a groundskeeper pushes a Sour Cream lawnmower in the background. I have no idea what this is meant to signify, but I'm sure Jim Corr knows a thing or two about the Sour Cream Illuminati.
Cite the Gary Lineker/Walker's precedent all you want, I'm not convinced crisps are the best thing for a footballer to be endorsing. Not that Pringles are crisps, mind, but, as the packaging tells us, a 'savoury snack'. The distinction is clear - lawyers once successfully argued that the 42% potato content of Pringles was not sufficient for them to be called crisps, and the snack was exempted from VAT for a period. It makes you feel a little shortchanged though when potato is fleshed out with so much flour.
When I eat Pringles, I tend to eat a load in one sitting, but afterwards I'm left with a general feeling of dissatisfaction. I guess they're like heroin. Or masturbation. My favourite flavour though: Sour Cream & Onion. Least favourite? Salt & Vinegar. A little too sharp for my liking.
Peter Crouch: 6/10
Pringles: 5/10
Total 11/20
